Home is Where Your Heart Is
by ItsADrizzit
Summary: Josephine Cousland does a little reflecting on her life as a Grey Warden, the love she still feels for King Alistair Theirin, and where she needs to go next. Written for Aphreal42 for the BioWare Valentines 2013 challenge on Tumblr.


Josephine Cousland took her time dressing. She selected each article of clothing with care, pulled back her hair in that style she knew exposed her neck in just the right way, and scrubbed her face until it was pink and radiant. She was late for breakfast, she knew, and she knew that her Wardens would talk, but she didn't care. Today wasn't just any day. Today was special.

Alistair would arrive today.

Maker she missed Alistair.

She didn't let on of course. She couldn't. She was the Commander of the Grey, the one the other Wardens looked to for strength and guidance. It wasn't so bad when they had been out on the road fighting the darkspawn and saving the world and all that, but now that the latest darkspawn threat was ended and they had some down time, she'd started to notice how much she missed Alistair.

She didn't regret her decision to come to Amaranthine to take over the Wardens for an instant. She'd felt too many ghosts lingering at Highever and she'd been too out of place in the palace. Always being fussed over and primped and shined. And the boredom. How could she be expected to sit in one place? To do nothing? Because when she did nothing, that's when it all sunk in. When she realized that her parents were dead, that her brother was alone with the ghosts of Highever, that she was never going to live the happy, beautiful, wonderful life she'd always imagined.

When she was a Warden, out on the road, traveling, fighting, she didn't have to remember that she was an orphan. That she'd watched her best friend's father betray her family. Sure, killing Howe with her bare hands had brought her justice, but it didn't change things. She'd hoped it would change things, but it didn't. It didn't bring her parents back.

But Maker she missed Alistair.

Enough of this. Enough fussing over her appearance, making sure every hair was smoothed into place. She was still the commander of the Grey Wardens. She still had work to do. And, she sighed, she still had to let her Wardens know the king would be arriving soon.

She made her way down to breakfast, preparing herself along the way for the inevitable onslaught of teasing. Maker, she should have insisted that she had too much business to attend to that morning and had her breakfast sent up to her room.

"Well, well, what have we here?" Anders' voice rang out the moment she stepped through the door. "Looking good, Commander. I hope you didn't take all that time prettying yourself up just for us." He gave her his customary eyebrow waggle. "Because you know, I've seen you look every bit as beautiful while covered in Deep Roads sludge and darkspawn gore. Still, don't think I don't appreciate you taking the time."

She ignored him and began helping herself to breakfast.

"It's not like you to be late."

Great. Nathaniel had started in.

"I had business this morning." She didn't meet his gaze. She was supposed to be in charge here. Was supposed to be the fearless leader, not some lovesick little girl who got all dressed up and giddy when the boy she was sweet on came around.

"Mmm." Nathaniel knew better. He knew her too well.

"Must have been important business," Anders said. "I don't think I've seen you that scrubbed up and clean since that audience with the nobles way back when we'd just gotten home from Amaranthine."

Enough. That was enough.

"Fine. I was hoping to finish my breakfast first, but since you two refuse to leave well enough alone, I might as well make the formal announcement now. King Alistair is scheduled to arrive this morning. Not long from now if all goes as planned." She held up a hand at the murmurs that swept the group. "No need to concern yourselves. It's not an official visit. He's coming here to . . . that is . . . he had some free time and he and I have some things to work out about . . ."

Maker she hated this. Why couldn't she ever just own up and act like an adult where Alistair or her love life were concerned. She loved Alistair, more than anything, so much that she ached inside without him, but the thought of living out her days at court, ruling the country. The thought of leaving behind her Wardens. Her friends. If she was being honest, that was the real reason she hadn't said anything yet. Because as soon as she told them it became official. She would be leaving. There would be no going back. She wouldn't be Commander of the Grey. She wouldn't be a Grey Warden in anything other than name. She'd be Josephine Theirin, Queen of Ferelden. She felt her stomach clench.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't tell them. Not now. She'd wait until Alistair got there. Tell them together.

"Okay, look," she said. "King Alistair will be staying the better part of this week. He and I have a lot to discuss and a lot to catch up on and I promise that I'll let you all know what's going on as soon as I figure it out myself, but for now let it go, okay? Go about your lives. Take the week off. Nate, you're in charge. Everyone, listen to Nate. Anders, you, too. I mean it. I'll join you for meals and we may join you for some training, but unless it's truly a matter of life or death, I'm not to be disturbed."

She picked up what was left of her breakfast, grabbed a few extra rolls and an extra piece of bacon and headed back up to her room.

* * *

Three candles later she was pacing around the rooftop of the keep staring out at the road. Where was he? He should be here by now. Why was he delayed? Had he run into trouble on the road? Was he alright? Of course he was. She knew better than anyone how dangerous the road could be, but she also knew better than anyone that Alistair Theirin was no easy target. She'd seen him take out darkspawn, ghouls, reanimated skeletons. An archdemon. Alistair would be fine.

She sensed someone approaching from behind and spun around. No one knew she had come up here.

Nate. Of course. He knew what this visit was really about. Knew her well enough to know she'd be up here, pacing around, making herself sick with worry until Alistair arrived.

She forced a smile at him. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sure he's fine," he reassured her.

She relaxed into his chest. Into the smell of her oldest and closest friend. The one person in the world who understood her better than she understood herself most days. The one person she could always confide in. Who always knew what she meant to say instead of what came out of her mouth.

"He is," she said, "Alistair can fight his way through anything. He's strong. I, on the other hand-"

Nate gave a soft laugh. " I think you're permitted a bit of nervous excitement about the arrival of your betrothed once in a while, mmm?"

"Perhaps. Then again, I'm supposed to be the commander. I'm supposed to be in charge around here and all that."

"Do you think we won't respect you because you're in love? Maker, Jo, that's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day. And when you share a room with Anders, every moment of your life is filled with ridiculous declarations."

"It's not that, Nate. At least, I don't think it is. I think it's just . . . how can I explain this."

"What? That you've somehow developed this ridiculous notion that falling in love makes you weak and you need to be strong for us. To be the glue that holds us all together. Yes. I would clearly know nothing about this mindset."

Jo laughed. He was right, as usual. If anyone would both understand what she was going through and not laugh at her for being ridiculous, it was Nate.

"I love Alistair. I want to be with him. It kills me to fall into bed each night and wake up each morning and still expect to find him curled up beside me. I miss him so much, Nate. Like there's a hole in the very core of me without him there. But at the same time, being a Warden, being your commander, fighting the darkspawn, that's what I do. It's who I am. And I have to choose between those things, between the man I love and the woman I've become. If I choose Alistair I have to go back to court and formal dinners and kissing the arses of foreign nobility. I've become a different person over the last year and a half. And I love that person. I love my job. I love the Wardens. I love being here with you and Anders and Sigrun and Velanna and Justice and Oghren. Fighting the darkspawn. Getting dirty. Scrubbing the blood out of my armor. I miss Alistair every day I'm with you, but I know full well that I'll miss all of this just as much every day that I'm with him."

"You'll always be our commander, Jo. More than that, you'll be our queen." He hugged her closer to him and bent down to kiss the top of her head. " Never doubt for a moment that we won't all miss you just as much as you miss us. You're our commander, our leader, our friend. You took each of us in when all hope seemed lost for us and you somehow managed to make us all come together as a miraculously functional, albeit oddball, family. For that, Jo, each of us is eternally in your debt."

"You promise?" she asked.

Nate laughed. "It is my sincere hope that someday I can be half the commander, leader, and friend to these Wardens that you have been. Now go to your room and re-freshen. I see the king's standard approaching on the road."

* * *

After showing Alistair to his room, which included, of course, more than a little time warming up the bed, Jo brought him to the main hall to introduce him to the Wardens she'd recruited since his last visit. To the people who had become her entire world over the last six months. The thought of leaving these people and this place behind pained her, but the way her heart had leapt and her joy had threatened to spill out of her as he pulled her close to him and pressed those lips she'd missed so very much to hers, she knew she was making the right decision. She glanced over at Nathaniel Howe, her friend and confidant, her second and command throughout her time in Amaranthine. She was leaving the Wardens to him. The Arling to him. It had always been his anyway and Nate had always been better at ruling and logistics than she had anyway. He'd rule the way his father had taught him, and add to that all the kind-hearted compassion that had been in him since he was a child.

Despite her fears of the unknown. Despite the fact that she would miss her friends, her family. Would miss training and fighting and getting mud on her clothes with the others. Despite leaving behind a part of herself in Amaranthine, she knew that the Wardens would be just fine without her. She looked up at Alistair. Her friend, her companion, her king, and her lover. She smiled and took a deep breath. It was time.

She turned to face her Wardens, hand tight in her lover's grip. "Everyone. Thanks for being here." She squeezed Alistair's hand. "We have an announcement to make."


End file.
